You have two cows

"You have two cows" is the beginning phrase for a series of political joke definitions. "You have two cows" jokes originated as a parody of typical introductory-level economics course material examples featuring a farmer in a moneyless society, using his cattle and produce to trade with his neighbors. The examples ran along the lines of "You have two cows; you want chickens; you set out to find another farmer who has chickens and wants a cow". They were meant to show the limitations of the barter system, leading to the eventual introduction of currency and money. The "two cows" parodies, however, place the cow-owner in a fully fledged economic system where cows are used as a metaphor for all currency, capital, means of production and economic property. The intent is often to point out flaws and absurdities in those systems.

Examples

Anarchism: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore the government.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, charges you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Capitalism: You have two cows. A big cattle company ousts you off the business. You sell your cows and work for the big business. The older punch line, truer to the American ideal, was "You sell one and buy a bull." Addendum, by Pat Paulsen: Then put them both in your wife's name and declare bankruptcy.

True Capitalism: You have no cows. You have nothing to buy a cow with, and can not withdraw a loan because you do not have a cow to use as collateral.

Communism: You have two cows. Everyone shares all the cows and everyone is equal. If you happen to be in charge of everyone's cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else, because you are more equal than they are.

Democracy: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

Death: You have two cows. Both die.

European Federalism: You have two cows which you cannot afford to keep because of milk imported from a member state with cheaper labour. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough to carry on working them. You then sell your milk at the original high price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at the price that drove you to subsidies to make Europe competitive.

Fascism: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.

Israel: You have two cows, both of which die because terrorists suicide bomb them.

Treason: You have two cows. They are shot for disobeying the government.

Hamas: You have two cows. If you don't remove them from our land, we'll blow them up.

Iron Curtain: You have two cows. They are shot by German guards as they try to escape to West Germany.

Nihilism: You have two cows. Who cares, anyway? Both of your cows (and you) will die someday. Nobody will remember you. Even if the whole world would remember you forever, it would't matter-- because you'd be dead. Everything is so pointless. You might as well be dead right now.

Socialism: You have two cows. The State takes one and gives it to someone else.

Tiananmen Square: You have two cows. They are shot by Red troops as they protest the rising cost of milk.

Australian: You have two kangaroos.

New Zealander/Welshman: You have two sheep. You are very happy.

British: You have 2 cows. You feed them cow. You have 2 mad cows. You have 0 cows.

Canadian: You have two cows. Vous avez deux vaches.

Early AOL: You've got cow!

AOL: You are a CSP (cow service provider). You send cow demo CDs to everyone.

Monopoly: Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect 2 cows.

Binary: You have 10 cows.

Google: You have two cows. One knows all, and is taking over. The other sold out to China, and has lost half its knowledge.

Hundred Year's War: You have two cows that charge toward a dozen archers and get mowed down.

Scientology: You have two cows. Sell their milk so that you can go for more auditing.

Surrealism: You have two ostriches. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Edgar Allen Poe:

Once upon a country dairy, while I milked, weak and weary,

Over my two quaint and curious bovines of lactose filled lore,

While I massaged, the cows crapping, suddenly there came a sapping,

As of someone gently lapping, lapping at my dairy's floor.

"'Tis some feline," I muttered, "lapping at my bovine pour;

Only this, and nothing more

France: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three.

Russia: You have two cows. You count them again and find out you have 17. You count again and realise you have 5. You get tired of counting and open the next bottle.

Russian nested doll: You have one cow. You open her and you have two cows.

India: You have two cows. You feed them the finest grass and never milk them because they are sacred.

Palestinian Authority: You have two cows. You have them rigged with explosives and send them over to your neighbour's field, where you blow them up. He is dead. You are happy.

Japan: You have two cows. You have them upgraded: they are now 10 times bigger, give 20 times more milk and speak 5 languages.

Saudi Arabia: You have two cows. You milk them more then the Shari'a permits. The government cuts off your hands.

US Army: You have two cows. You don't ask. They don't tell.

Cows and economic systems

The first "two cows" jokes were meant to compare opposing economic systems such as capitalism and communism, typically by describing how government and bureaucracy would interfere with one's quiet enjoyment of one's cows. The jokes evolved into satire of various political, cultural, social and philosophical systems and theories. Eventually, virtually anything has come to be usable as "cow joke fodder." Newsworthy events involving actual cows (Mad Cow outbreaks) have also been used as material.

The early days of the internet

The definitions are examples of the first Internet jokes that circulated in the early days of the Internet. However, the initial variants of these jokes predated the widespread adoption of the Internet and were circulating in typewritten form even by the early 1960s. Being such a readily understood source of humor in many cultures, "two cows" jokes became a part of the international development of the World Wide Web. The jokes are still circulated today, and are translated and quoted on many websites, in dozens of versions, with newer "definitions" added every year. Tucows, the popular download site, is rumored to have taken its name from these jokes, rather than from The Ultimate Collection Of Windows (or Winsock) Software as implied by its logo, and thus alleged to be a backronym of the joke.

Cross-cultural humor

Because of their freedom and universality of topics, "two cows" jokes are sometimes considered a good example of "cross-cultural humor". They can be concise examples (not necessarily scientific) of how different cultures can express different visions of the same political concept, by paradox, hyperbole, or sarcasm. In practice, most such jokes reflect the views of outsiders to the systems being satirised. In the spirit of finding international common ground, some also see them as humorous manifestations of an underlying general scheme of political science that would compare legal or political concepts, such as the rights of ownership, across cultures around the world.

Other cows and humor

Cows themselves are a frequent subject matter of humor, involved in works such as cow ASCII art, cow tipping, and The Far Side. Some have conjectured that the word cow may be an inherently funny word, as invoked in the term "holy cow" and the compound dvigu.

External links

TheCapitol.Net You Have Two Cows... at YouHaveTwoCows.com
Two Cows - another list
You have two cows on Uncyclopedia