Arranged marriage

An arranged marriage is a marriage that is at some level arranged by someone other than those being married and is usually used to describe a marriage which involves the parents of the married couple to varying degrees:

In a forced marriage, the parents choose the child's future spouse with little or no input from the child. If the child refuses the choice, he or she may be disowned or punished (in rare cases, killed). In most such cases, the marriage simply takes place anyway, overriding the child's objections. Motivating factors for such a marriage tend to be social or economic, i.e., the interests of the family or community that are served by the marriage are seen as paramount, and the will of the individual is insignificant.

In a traditional arranged marriage (not forced), the parents again choose the child's future spouse with little or no input from the child. If the child refuses the choice, the parents tend to respect the child's wishes and choose another possible spouse. However, considerable emotional pressure may be brought to bear to make the child "see reason". The main motivating factor in such marriages is the happiness of the child, but viewed from a paternalistic/maternalistic angle ("Parents know best").

In a modern arranged marriage, the involvement of the child is considerably more. Parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child (who may indicate which photos/biographies he or she likes, for example). The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting (an hour long walk around the neighborhood together, for example). The children will then eventually choose who they wish to marry (if anyone), although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice of which they approve. The happiness of the child is the main concern, and the parents see their role as responsible facilitators and well-wishers.

A modern arranged marriage with courtship is the same as the above, except that the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision. It takes considerably more courage on the part of the parents (as well as the children!) to go through this process. Some girls actually prefer a short (or no) courtship as they fear the stigma and emotional trauma of being rejected after a courtship.

Finally, in an introduction only arranged marriage, the parents will introduce their child to a potential spouse (that they found through a personal recommendation or a website, et cetera). The parents may briefly talk to the parents of the prospective spouse. From that point on, it is up to the children to manage the relationship and make a choice based on whatever factors they want, love or otherwise.

In almost all of the above cases except the forced marriage and perhaps the traditional arranged marriage, the child may be free to ignore the process and find a mate on their own and present them to their parents. The parents then tend to take over and handle the logistical aspects of the marriage.

In many cultures that are modernising, children increasingly tend to view an arranged marriage as an option that they can fall back on if they are unable or unwilling to spend the time and effort necessary to find an acceptable spouse on their own. The parents then become welcome partners in the child's mate hunt.

Sometimes, the term "arranged marriage" may occasionally be used even if the parents had no direct involvement in selecting the spouse. This could mean a meeting through a website or third party. Many Indians are choosing to meet their partners online, and the growth of Matrimonials Sites has been exponential over the past 5-10 years .

In India, "Love marriages" are sometimes called "Self-arranged marriages", perhaps to avoid some of the negative opinions that are still held against young people choosing their own partners.

A "marriage of convenience" is a term sometimes applied if a couple decides to marry primarily for reasons other than love.

Proponents' views

There are three main reasons why arranged marriages work as well as they do:

1. Reduction or elimination of incompatibilities: Since marital incompatibility has been found to be the major reason for divorce , arranged marriages ensure a much higher probability of success because they tend to match persons of the same religion, caste, dietary preference (e.g., vegetarian), linguistic group, age group, socio-economic background, education, professional status, physical stature, etc. (One can argue about the negative effects of this strategy, such as inbreeding, but to the couple concerned, it can represent a net positive. There is still scope for significant differences in personality to make the marriage interesting, so arranged marriages do not have to be bland.)

2. Following one's head is often wiser than following one's heart: Important decisions such as a corporate merger must make business sense to practical analysts and not just appeal to the whimsies of the respective CEOs. Marriages are really no different and no less important. What is idealistically called "love" and "individual choice" is often the infatuation of the moment, which often passes when it is too late and the marriage has already taken place. Having elders vet the prospective spouse and their family is a kind of "due diligence" that needs to take place.

3. Low expectations: Neither the man nor the woman knows quite what to expect, and there is a lot of understandable trepidation on both sides. This often works out well, because things turn out to be "not so bad after all". This is largely thanks to the above two reasons. Most incompatibilities have been eliminated, and due diligence has confirmed the suitability of the prospective spouse.

Other arguments:

Parents and other relatives who have been involved in the marriage arrangements have an emotional investment in the success of the marriage and form a valuable support group to the couple. If there are problems in the marriage, well-meaning elders may intervene to sort things out. (Of course, this is a two-edged sword — outside interference can often make things worse between a couple.)

The debate surrounds one main question: can an individual be trusted to make his or her own decision about choosing a mate, and if not, can the parents do a better job of it?

Compounding that, the debate depends on variables such as the closeness of the family, whether divorce is acceptable, and societal expectations which can vary greatly among and within cultures.

Proponents of arranged marriage often feel that individuals can be too easily influenced by the effects of love to make a logical choiceFox, Greer Litton. Love Match and Arranged Marriage in a Modernizing Nation: Mate Selection in Ankara Turkey. Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 37, No. 1 1975-02 pp. 180-193. In these societies, including China, the intragenerational relationship of the family is much more valued then the marital relationship. The whole purpose of the marriage is to have a familyReaves, Jo. NEWS: Marriage in China Not So Different than in the West. Asian Pages. St. Paul: May 31, 1994.Vol.4, Iss. 18; pg. 4. But, even if they do not love each other at first, a greater understanding between the two would develop, aided by their often similar socioeconomic, religious, political, and cultural backgroundsXu Xiaohe; Martin King Whyte. Love Matches and Arranged Marriages: A Chinese Replication. Journal of Marriage and the Family, Vol. 52, No. 3. (Aug., 1990), pp. 709-722.. Proponents may also feel that marriages simply based on romance are doomed to failure due to the partners having unreasonable expectations of each other and with the relationship having little room for improvement.

Furthermore, proponents believe that parents can be trusted to make a match that is in the best interests of their children. They hold that parents have much practical experience to draw from and not be misguided by emotions and hormones. Opponents will note that there are times when the choosers select a match that serves their interests or the family's interests and not necessarily to the couple’s pleasure and find this naturally, unacceptable. However, the community and even the children may see this as an acceptable risk with potential benefits.

If potential partners in a marriage enjoy full freedom to veto persons they do not want to marry, and merely rely on their parents and elder relatives to act as trusted, level-headed introducers and advisers who have their best interests at heart, then arranged marriages become little more than a family dating service with some pre-marriage counselling!

Opponents' views

Much of the stated opposition to the concept of arranged marriages is actually an opposition to forced marriages. None except the incorrigibly feudal would defend forced marriages where the individuals being married have no veto over the decision. Coercion violates fundamental principles of human rights and civilised society. A concern is that people can "find themselves stuck in marriages with persons decidedly not of their own choosing...whom they may find personally repulsive.

There is also frequent criticism of arranged marriages being "loveless". This has, however, been disputed by many people in happy (arranged) marriages who claim that love grows in a marriage, even if the marriage does not start with love. This is ultimately a matter of personal opinion. Many people simply cannot accept the prospect of being married to a stranger or to someone they do not already love. Others who have seen happy instances of arranged marriages (e.g., their own parents') are often more sanguine about the concept.

A third argument is in favour of letting people make their own mistakes, because individuals are the best arbiters of their own lives. By this argument, even if arranged marriages prove to be significantly more stable than "love" marriages, the latter are still preferable. There is something more important at stake than stable families — respect for individual accountability.

Arranged Marriage Custom

In many cultures, arranged marriage is a handed down tradition. Parents who take their son or daughter's marriage into their own hands, have almost always had this happen to them.

For some parents there is pressure from the community to conform and in certain cultures, a "love marriage" or even a relationship is considered a failure on the part of the parents to keep control over their child.

For some, it is fear of what the community - social and/or religious will think if their child is not married, often by a certain age. In some cultures, the son or daughter are deemed less likely to find a suitable partner if they are past a certain age, and it is considered folly to try to marry them off at that stage.

The religious and spiritual aspect of arranged marriage can play a large role in finding a "suitable" spouse. Numerology (Horoscopes) are often used in Indian culture to predict the fruitfulness of a particular match. This can sometimes be expressed in a percentage, ie a 70% match.

Caste can play a large role in Indian marriages, as well as salary, education level and social standing (often related to caste). Often high castes only marry high castes. One reason for Indian parents opting for an Indian arranged marriage, rather than a marriage of mixed races is that the caste cannot be found out or simply does not exist in that culture/country. This ambiguity can create a "fear of the unknown" and so an arranged marriage may be insisted upon.

In Indian culture, Doctors, Accountants, Lawyers and Engineers/Scientists are traditionally valued highly as excellent spouse material, although increasingly salary is becoming more important.

Economic principle of arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are sometimes thought to operate on the notion that marriages are primarily an economic union or only a means to have children. It sees relationships as defined on the basis of economic dimensions on which social-sexual relationships would be based and defined. It has also been said that in some religions where divorce is forbidden (ie. Catholicism) arranged marriage would work out nicely because both husband and wife would accept the marriage producing their best efforts to make it a success instead of breaking up at the slightest conflict. Others do object, however, that in an "ordinary" sentimental marriage there would be no reason not to make the same, or even greater efforts, in the aim of a success that could be much more relevant for the couple (in presence of true sentiments of course).

Sociopolitics of arranged marriage

In a large number of arranged marriages, the male is older than the female. This age disparity is usually intentional; some societies consider it proper for an older man to be united with a younger woman. In an arranged marriage the woman always seeks a man who is at least equal if not higher to her in socio-economic status. Rarely does an arranged marriage happen where the male is lower to the woman, either in socio-economic status, caste, class or by height. Class was often the basis of a good marriage, but not always.

Unification Church Matchings

Rev. Sun Myung Moon has conducted thousands of arranged marriages, mostly for early members of the Unification Movement. Nowadays, Moon rarely performs these matchings himself, although he does still arrange couples from the second generation of Unificationist Blessed Couples.

International arranged marriages

In many arranged marriages, one potential spouse may reside in a wealthy country and the other in a poorer country. For example, the man may be an American of Indian ancestry and the woman may be an Indian living in India who will move to America after the marriage.

Positive points (for this example):

The parents of the man may be happier/feel secure knowing that their son is to marry a person of their own country and culture rather than one "corrupted" by Western influences
The parents of the girl hope that their daughter enjoys a higher standard of living
Couples may be interested to hear about how they grew up differently

Negative Points

Couples may be incompatible due to cultural differences. This can be extremely significant, and sometimes in surprising ways — many Indian families settled abroad tend to have "frozen" Indian values and mindsets while the home country has moved on and adopted more progressive values. It is not rare to find traditional Indian families in the West that look down upon Western values as "immoral", while Indians in India have become more Westernised and permissive.
The time window available for the entire process is extremely narrow because prospective girls must be lined up for a series of meetings when the man is able to take leave to travel to India, and the decision must be finalised (and the marriage officially registered) before he leaves, so that visa formalities for the wife can be commenced immediately on his return. Sometimes, two or even three visits (over as many years) are required before a man can finally find a wife and "settle down".
The two parties cannot directly see/contact the other person, without travelling to the other country, which would imply a commitment, and increased pressure on making a decision, on a complete stranger.
Limited choice — The man is constrained in not being able to choose a person of his liking outside his home country

Proponents' views

Opponents' views

Arranged Marriage Custom

Economic principle of arranged marriages

Sociopolitics of arranged marriage

Unification Church Matchings

International arranged marriages

References

Further reading

See also

Gourt Home::Gourt :: Arranged marriage

Proponents' views

Opponents' views

Arranged Marriage Custom

Economic principle of arranged marriages

Sociopolitics of arranged marriage

Unification Church Matchings

International arranged marriages

References

Further reading

See also