Schlock Mercenary

Schlock Mercenary is a webcomic by Howard Tayler. It follows the adventures of a mercenary company aboard a starship in a 31st-century space opera setting. Despite the narrative following a band of military freelancers, it's mostly family-friendly entertainment.

It debuted on June 12 2000, with relatively crude graphics. Over time, Tayler's artwork improved from bad to "marginally less bad." (Read: good.) Beginning on February 9 2003, Jean Elmore served as colorist for the strip. This ended in the spring of 2004 when she developed a repetitive strain injury from her work.

On March 9 2003, the comic reached its 1001st strip. Tayler marked the milestone by "re-launching" the comic. With the relaunch, Tayler reoriented the strip slightly for publication, organizing the comic's story into "books". Each book has a fairly self-contained story, although they are still chronological and connected. As of July 2005, Schlock Mercenary was on Book V: Emperor Pius Dei

On December 2 2005, Tayler published the comic's 2000th daily strip, a run uninterrupted from the comic's debut.

In March 2006, Howard Tayler published Schlock Mercenary: Under New Management, the first book-based collection of Schlock Mercenary comics (ISBN 0-9779074-2-2). This collection features stories printed from March 9, 2003 through August 23, 2003, plus 5 full pages of new material (featuring how Sgt. Schlock "got turned on to plasma cannons"). Additional content includes a forward by John Ringo, additional bonus art, the author's biography, and architectural deck plans to Tagon's ship "The Serial Peacemaker."

On June 12, 2006, Schlock Mercenary marked six years of uninterrupted run.

Publication

Collections of Schlock Mercenary strips are published in book form by "The Tayler Corporation", one way of saying it is self-published. Curiously, the first published collection, Book I: Under New Management does not start at the beginning of the archive. Instead, Book I begins at the 1001st strip, when the strip was relaunched. The first 1000 strips are intended to be published in two 200+ page volumes sometime in 2007. Announced book titles are as follows:

Schlock Mercenary: Step Away from the Tub of Happiness
Untitled Schlock Mercenary Book
Book I: Under New Management (ISBN 0-9779074-2-2)
Book II: The Blackness Between
Book III: Out From Under New Management
Book IV: Mad Science Means Never Having To Ask "What's The Worst Thing That Could Happen?"
Book V: Emperor Pius Dei

Story

Many plotlines revolve around the jobs Kaff Tagon and his mercenary crew have accepted, preferably involving as much brawn as necessary and as little brain as possible (although resident mad scientist Kevyn Andreyasn can pick up the slack if need be). Other times, the crew is swept up in a galaxy- or universe-spanning conflict.

Cast

The story primarily centers on Captain Kaff Tagon and his mercenary crew, Tagon's Toughs. Notable members of the crew include Munitions Commander and resident mad scientist Kevyn Andreyasn, title character Sergeant Schlock, who is an amorphous blob, and the wry Artificial Intelligence, Ennesby.

Universe

In the distant future of Schlock Mercenary's setting, many changes have faced terran society. Faster-than-light travel has been attained, alien races have been contacted, and technology has undergone radical improvements.

Alien species have varied from fairly humanoid to almost unrecognizable. There have been eight-limbed Gatekeepers, two-bodied Uklakk, carbosilicate amorphs with no easily definable limbs or organs, and the unknowable Paan'uri, beings made of dark matter.

The number of sapient species descended from terran stock has increased as Earth's genetic engineers refined their craft. Enhanced chimpanzees, gorillas, and two species of sentient elephant now have citizenship. Genetic enhancement of the human population has resulted in the purple-skinned photosynthetic "Purps", along with more general improvements to the population.

Technology

Like most science fiction stories, technology forms a large part of Schlock Mercenary's storytelling framework.

Travel between the stars is accomplished through the use of "wormgates", large wormhole generators controlled by the mysterious Gatekeepers (properly known as the F'sherl-Ganni). As the story progresses, use of wormgates is largely supplanted by the "teraport", a device that allows for near-instant travel between any two points.

Medical technology is generally based on nanotechnology or artificial replacements for damaged body parts. One important item that is featured in the comic is the "magic cryo-kit", an illegal device that has the capability to rebuild an entire body as long as the brain is intact. In the strip this has always been shown as "from the head down" but presumably there is nothing more than the brain that is necessary for the reconstruction. It appears that conventional (read: legal) medtech is also capable of full-body regeneration, however at a much slower pace (and dependent on which HMO options you checked on your insurance form).

Computer hardware has progressed to the point where true artificial intelligence is possible, and several have been main characters in the story.

Gravity has been tamed and is now controllable as a means for propulsion, a weapon, and shielding against other weapons. Other forms of weaponry have improved as well, and a mercenary's arsenal can include railguns, lasers, non-lethal nanomotive "goober" rounds, and plasma cannons. Old-fashioned bullet-firing firearms are still in use as they continue to be effective against unprotected targets and are less likely to rupture a hull than a plasma bolt.

Energy to power the various devices generally comes from miniaturized fusion reactors, or massively powerful neutronium annihilator ("annie") plants. Annie plants unleash massive amounts of power by converting mass to gravitic energy, which can be used directly to power gravitic unishields, gravitic weapons, and shipboard artificial gravity or to generate other forms of energy.

Schlocktoberfest

An annual storyline that occurs during the month of October. The story arc always starts out typically, but soon develops a dark tone, usually involving some gruesome events, before resolving itself at the end of the month. It is considered Schlock Mercenary's version of Halloween stories.

The Chupaqueso

The Chupaqueso is a favorite food of Tagon's Toughs. The chupaqueso vending machine is the favored alternative to the mess hall for most of the mercenary crew. For those of us stuck in the present though, there is a simple recipe for the chupaqueso lifted directly from Schlock Mercenary.

You will need a good teflon skillet, a fairly sharp teflon spatula, some sharp cheddar, some fresh parmesan, and some Monterey Jack cheese.

1. Grate about a half-cup of cheddar and a half-cup of jack.

2. Heat the skillet, and spread the cheddar evenly in the pan. You should have an eight-inch diameter circle of grated cheese, with a little bit of pan showing through here and there.

3. As the pan gets hotter the cheese will obviously melt. Then it will toast, and you'll get cheese-grease floating on top of melted cheddar, itself on top of a layer of crusty toasted cheddar.

4. Start lifting around the edges with the spatula. You'll soon reach a point (you'll know, trust me) when the structural integrity of the crusty-toasty cheese allows you to flip the whole thing over.

5. (Speaking of "over," this is often the point where you'll get frustrated and decide to start over.)

6. After toasting side two for a moment, flip it again so the "smooth" side is down, and the recently toasted side is up.

7. You now have a cheese shell sizzling in a puddle of cheese grease. It's still flexible, but much longer and it won't be, so you'll have to work fast. Add the Jack cheese and a sprinkle of parmesan, and then tri-fold the cheddar-shell around it.

8. Slide it out of the pan onto your plate. It's called a "chupaqueso" either because you can suck (chupa) the cheese (queso) out of the middle as you crunch away, or because this cheese (queso) thing you made sucks (chupa).

For added flavor you might try adding cooked-and-crumbled bacon with the jack and parmesan. In this case you'll end up with a chupaqueso con tocino, or, as it's often pronounced in my house, "chupaqueso con SWEET TRADER OF PORK BELLIES THERE'S BACON IN THIS THING chomp chomp AAARGH I BURNED MY MOUTH slurp gulp chomp."

For the record, it's much easier to make a chupaqueso by sliding your credit card into a Popso 2250 Autovend. Officially licensed Tacobufa Chupaquesos are seamless, oblong, cheese-crust shells around a patented six-cheese blend. For just a little more money the Bufador Mealy-Dealy gets you a drink and a large order of Monosfritos (made with freshly-picked monos, or so I've been told).

Note: Chupaquesos can be made using any combination of cheeses, not just those listed above. The more the better. The cheese used for the "shell" should always be shredded or grated, however. The key to said shell is thickness. Make sure when spreading your cheese, you don't just cover the pan. Thickness is the key to keeping it together when you flip it.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates is a popular handbook in the Schlock Mercenary universe. The book's rules (of which there are more than seven) is often quoted by Tagon, as well as other characters. The following is an overview of the book, as penned by Howard Tayler on November 21 2002 in the notes section of the comic:

In the waning years of the 20th century a popular self-help book for businessmen, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People, was lampooned on-stage by an improvisational comedy troupe which only four years later was completely defunct, giving rise to speculation that perhaps those in charge should have been reading the book more carefully rather than lampooning it.

Their sketch, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Pirates, went completely unnoticed for several centuries, until the day an archeobibliologist named Joel happened across the script in the Gates Memorial Archive Of Stupid Things From Ye Olde Internet. Our story would have ended there, except that Joel's younger brother Linc was in prison for privateering, and it occurred Joel that perhaps his wanna-be pirate brother would get a kick out of reading it.

Unfortunately, Linc realized as he chuckled at the script ("Bury the hatchet! Hah!") that he was in prison because he was NOT an effective person, and was an even less effective pirate. So he began to write.

Most books written in prison do not tend to sell well, but this one did. Eventually, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates was translated from Galstandard West into the other four Galastandard languages (East, Eight, Brown, and Peroxide), and became a handbook not only for pirates, smugglers, and privateers, but also for CEOs, defense attorneys, and tenured professors. The fact that there are more than seven habits, as well as dozens of 'rules,' may confuse some readers, though, so be warned. And remember Rule 12: A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head.

The following is a list of rules found in Schlock Mercenary. The rules are ordered by rule number. The date given after each rule is the date on which the rule was given in the strip (year-month-day). If there are other relevant notes about the rule, they will be included in the reference.

1. Pillage, then burn. (2002-02-07, 2003-03-08, 2004-04-04, 2004-07-22)

6: If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it. (2005-03-13)

8. Mockery and derision have their place. Usually, it's on the far side of the airlock. (2002-11-21)

9. Never turn your back on an enemy. (2003-03-08)

12. A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, shoot it in the head. (2002-11-21…notes section)

13. Do unto others. (2003-03-08)

16. Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth. (2002-11-21)

27. Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence. (2003-03-08)

29. The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less. (2003-03-08, 2003-09-29)

30. A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go. (2003-03-08)

31. Only cheaters prosper. (2003-05-11)

34. If you’re leaving scorch-marks, you need a bigger gun. (2004-02-29)

35. That which does not kill you has made a tactical error. (T-shirt sold by author)

36. When the going gets tough, the tough call for close air support. (2003-10-02)

37. There is no "overkill". There is only "open fire" and "I need to reload." (2004-02-23, 2004-04-06, 2004-06-23…partial)

xx. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Take his fish away and tell him he's lucky just to be alive, and he'll figure out how to catch another one for you to take tomorrow. (2004-04-04, no official rule number given)

xx. Just because it's easy for you doesn't mean it can't be hard on your clients. (2004-03-26…possible. No full reference)

References

External links

2000s webcomics | Blank Label Comics | Fictional mercenaries | Science fiction webcomics | Science fiction comics

Schlock Mercenary | Schlock Mercenary

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